there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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