just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
