He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
