my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
