ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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