She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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