Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
