Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
