He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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