did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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