he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
