There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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