Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
