epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
