"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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