At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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