and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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