I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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