why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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