You can't motorboat a personality
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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