I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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