I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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