i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
