she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
