does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Two words: blizzard sex
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
