Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
