There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
