we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
