remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
