from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
