I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
