forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
