god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
