Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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