A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
