he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im on a boat
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