So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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