Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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