if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
