guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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