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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Mom said you looked used
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
