Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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