i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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