covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
