So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
people are starting to question the shark bite story
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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