he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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