Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
