just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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