Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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