my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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