apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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