I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
