who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
