don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
