how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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