Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
