i already hear my dad disowning me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
