I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
