i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
