Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
