Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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