i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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