Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
