Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
